twas a SHOCKING Christmas...

my gaydar must be broken or maybe it's "off" or maybe i don't have gaydar, but i swear i used to and it was pretty good. so i thought.

i'm guessing by now, you have put 2 and 2 together of why i'm mentioning gaydar in a Christmas post... yup! i discovered one of my closest family members is gay. 

and damn. 

i had no idea. 

i had no clue. 

not that i have a problem with this. i just didn't see any leading indicators. i didn't see any plausible signs.

my younger cousin, who's also my godson, who had many girls eyeing and chasing him (and probably still does), the cousin who my good friend thinks is hot and crushed on, the one who i practically raised myself... that cousin is gay.

Christmas Eve was spent at his house sans the parents. it was just us kids. he lives with his bf. who i thought was his room mate. i too at his age (22 years old) moved out and lived with a room mate who was the same sex. so how would i know this was a sign?

i was forewarned earlier in the day which i mistaken as a joke. i was at a shopping mall with his little sister. this is how the conversation went down...

me: "does M have a girlfriend?"

K: "are you joking, Ate (pronounced at-tay)?" as she looked at me with a WTF look.

me: "huh? what are you talking about?"

K: "you're kidding, right Ate? you don't know?"

me: "know what?"

K: "but everyone knows, including mommy T... "

me: "huh? know what?" then gave it some thought... why would K think asking about M having a gf be odd?  "um is M gay?" now i have a matching WTF look.

K: "he lives with a guy... they have a dog together..."

me: "yea so? i lived with a girl for over 4 years downtown at his age. that doesn't mean i'm gay."

K: still glaring at me with a WTF look.

me: "you're joking, right?"

K: "yes Ate. i am."

at this point, i believed her sarcasm and said, "so does M have a girlfriend?"

this time K just responded with no words and just gave me a WTF look.

and that was that. the thought of M actually being gay didn't cross my mind again until we went to his house later that night. this is when i recalled the conversation with K and understood the tour of his new home would reveal the truth...

and then we received the tour of their 2 bedroom house appartment. which by the way is a very nice place. and there it was, staring at me straight in the face. him and J share the big bedroom, the 2nd bedroom is considered the guest bedroom.

yup, my cousin is gay.

not that i don't have a problem with it. i'm just shocked beyond disbelief.

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haters gonna hate

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i am not a good person. yesterday i officially concluded this and i have no interest in being a good person again. this is because there's a huge-ass, heavy chip on my shoulder and now i genuinely feel things are owed to me! who the eff publicly says (writes) such a thing? basically not a good person. and that's me!

i have my hate on and it's on STRONG! sure, i'm still always smiling and i'm polite, but if you only knew what i was really thinking... you'd definitely not like me. and you know what? i don't care! around 6 years ago, i made a conscious decision to be a better person, but it has gotten me no where! so why the f*ck should i even be a good person?

here is what's been running through my mind lately...

• it was my ex's birthday the other day and i was really hoping it was not "happy" for him at all!

• i found a ring the other night. i've established it is 14K white gold, but not sure what stones are in it. this ring is definitely worth a pretty penny and sparkles like diamonds... and i have no intention of returning it to the resto-lounge i found it at. how can i be so sure the place will actually return the ring to it's rightful owner? besides, no one has ever returned something valuable i have ever lost.

• we had a wonderful 3 birthday celebration dinner with 12 of my closest friends last night. and to be honest, it really wasn't great to see everyone. (sorry ladies, i know some of you read my blog...) sure i was happy to see everyone is doing well, but i really don't have anything to contribute to their conversations. i have nothing to add when talking about giving birth, taking care of children, trying to get pregnant, breast feeding, in-laws drama, husband/boyfriend woes, blah blah blah blah. you get the point. the reason why i was quiet during dinner is because i can't relate to these topics and i'd rather not hear about that stuff because it has nothing to do with me. do we really need to speak about the above topics 95% of the time we spend together? if this is the case then my presence is not needed.

• i f*ckin hate the fact that one of my closest friends hangs out with my ex because her hubby works with him. i found out they were with him the other night and this little effin-not-a-big-deal tidbit bothered me all night and is still bothering me right now! how do you get over an ex knowing good friends of yours will probably know the ongoing updates of his life? how can i avoid not wondering if they have met the new girl he's seeing or actually become friends with her? they're suppose to be MY FRIENDS FIRST!

see what i'm sayin? i am NOT a nice person! i've been going no where real fast and frankly, i'm very tired of it!

fill in the blank friday

 it's time to play fill in the blank friday! right here you can join in on Lauren's fun.

1.   I wish   to be in love in the near future and actually have that love stay with me for a lifetime. cheesy i know... and such a statement would not normally be verbalized by me... but it's the truth.

2.  Yesterday I   spoke to a friend who now lives in Australia. our conversation was refreshing and inspiring. his simple words made me believe again. i forgot how that felt.

3.  Today I will   fill in these blanks and just chill in bed until i fall asleep. i recently arrived home from dinner and drinks with past colleagues. 

4.  Tomorrow I will    go to a kid's birthday party at a skating rink and McDonalds. i love kids bday parties at McDees. it was one of my favorite bday celebrations when i was a child. at night, i'll be going to a Christmas house party.

5.  Maybe   i won't have a sip of alcohol tomorrow, but that is very unlikely. LOL!

6.  Someday   i will visit southern Europe and it would be a bonus if it's with the dude i want to spend the rest of my life with.

7.  I love    the sun, it's warmth and the light it radiates. it's probably the most consistent thing that can put a smile on my face.

What are your weekend plans? Enjoy! 

dating shenanigans

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before i get on with this post, i should clarify what dating means to me.

dating to me means...
hanging out with someone to learn more about them with the intention of the possibility something more than friendship may come out of it. there is no commitment to each other in dating and you're free to date as many people as you like.

so now that we have cleared that up, i'll begin...

i don't like the dating game. first of all, i'm not a dater and never have been. but being at the tender age of thirty-something-something... friends having their 4th child... and 98% of my girls being married or in a committed relationship, i feel the need to PUT MYSELF OUT THERE! i know my friends are starting to feel for me too. so now, there's true efforts in introducing me to new guys, setting up blind dates, keeping me in mind when meeting single dudes and advertising to friends that "yup, Maureen is still available!"

so here's an overview of my dating life. by the way, i nick named all of the guys...

• Movember guy: a little over a week ago, i went on a blind double date with my friend, her hubby and her co-worker. i have never met, spoken or had any type of communication her co-worker prior to this and originally she wanted him and i to meet up on our own. luckily i convinced her to join because i don't think i would have lasted if it was just the 2 of us. he emailed me yesterday asking to meet up again. and oh how badly i wanted to ignore the email, but out of respect for my friend, i told her i was not interested. so she suggested i just tell him i was too busy because of the holidays. now why didn't i think of that?

• can't-recall-what-he-looks-like guy: this is the guy who takes too long to respond to my texts. my last text to him sums up to "i'm much too busy to make any time for you." i'm sure he got this loud and clear!

• recycled guy: over a month ago, i hung out with this guy who i went on a few dates with years ago. (date details can be found here). he's still texting me regularly and i've been too busy to go out with him again. let's be honest here, i also dated his brother so it would never work out between us. currently, i'm figuring out how to politely get him off my back.

• mildly-crushing-on guy: he's the most recent addition - been kinda crushing on him for maybe 2 months now. i had a dream about him this past Friday so the next day, i put myself out there and invited him via fbook to hang out. i know, i know, very impersonal, but the only other forms of contact i have had with him are his work email and work cell and i did not want to go that route. we ended up meeting to watch the Leafs game over food and beer. i had a blast and time flew by. we spent 5.5 hours together and not once was there a second i was bored. now here's the kicker... he's damn YOUNG! i'm not exaggerating - he's only 26! (there's another kicker, but i'm choosing to plead the fifth on that one.) also, i have other reservations besides his age. surprisingly, we've been texting each other daily since Saturday. guess we'll see... besides, him and i have only hung out on our own that one time... meh, whatever.

alright, that's all the dating deets you're getting from me today. there's more i'd like to say, but this post would be hella long... you'll just have to stay tuned for future posts.

oh and please feel free to intro me to other guys, set me up and big me up to your friends! just to clarify, i am not desperate. simply, i have fallen too far behind in this aspect of my life and am trying to use all my resources. LOL!

i'm not gonna lie...

i'm not gonna lie, there's a phrase i say repeatedly and even more so when drunk. if you know me personally i say it much too often. on the advice of my real life friend and blog friend Leesh, i've decided to create my own blog series called (yup, that's right!) "i'm not gonna lie..."

so with that, i bring you the 1st edition of (tada!)

 i'm not gonna lie...

i'm not gonna lie, i still haven't folded my clean laundry from last week! now tell me who you think is the laziest of them all?!
 

i'm absolutely in love with my iPhone 4. i'm not gonna lie, i tell people it's the love of my life. it actually sleeps on the pillow next to me.

i'm not gonna lie, my snuggie confuses me. each time i try to wear it, i have to pause and think about how to put it on. i guess it doesn't help that you can fit another 2 of me in it. if you ever find kid size snuggies, please let me know!

there's a huge possibility my coworkers and friends think i'm an alcoholic. apparently, i only tweet and fbook about alcohol (and food)... i'm not gonna lie, today is my 1st day sans alcohol after 6 consecutive days of drinking beer. the main reason i'm beer-free today is because i'm scared to gain a beer belly. i wish drinking beer would cause a different body party to grow... how awesome would it be if we gained "beer titties" from beer binging?!?!

i'm not gonna lie, i was a little annoyed with my blind date this past Sunday. who agree's to meet someone for the 1st time with their "Movember" mustache? plus i like my conversations two-way. i'm not gonna lie, first impressions make an impression on me.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm also annoyed with my almost blind date i was suppose to have tomorrow. he takes too long to return text messages and it's taking too long for us to make actual plans. that's it, i'm cutting him off! i'm much too busy to deal with this nonsense. apparently, he used to be hot in high school, but i don't remember thinking he was hot anyway when i met him in the summer. haha.

i'm not gonna lie, i procrastinate when responding to the almost blind date's text messages.

i'm not gonna lie, i don't really want to date right now.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm gonna be a scrooge again this year. but if someone has a Festivus celebration, i'm all for it!