bad versus evil

a while back i wrote this post which summarized my strong feelings for my last 2 exes. my hate for one and my love for another. fast forward to now... that's so not the case anymore.

i know a few months ago i expressed so much hate for 26er. but in the summer, i decided to eliminate hate from my life. frankly, hate takes too much energy and how could i possibly hate someone i used to feel very strongly for? so with that lesson, i decided to no longer resist and we became friends again.

... and i fell for him again. this time for real because "the dude" was no longer in my heart.

without giving you the details, 26er broke my heart last month and last Sunday, he broke me as a person. though the reason is unknown to me, he concluded i was a nasty person and said horrible things to me. never again does he want to speak to me. so now the tables are turned. karma never did like me.

if you only knew all that went down on Sunday, you would encourage me to hate him forever. but like i said, i eliminated hate out of my life. so no, i do not hate 26er even after all the cruel things he said to me. instead, i'm currently accepting his passionate disgust for me because i know somewhere in there, he is still a good person. he may not ever want anything to do with me again, but my heart can't deny how i truly feel for him. 

the only thing i can do without doing anything at all is accept his stance on me and accept my stance on him. and so i do.

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the ongoing online debate

dating gets harder with age. trust me, i know.

i'm turning 35 in less than 3 weeks and i have spent most of my teenage, young adult and adult years single. i'm not gonna lie, i don't have problems meeting guys, but finding a guy to date is a different story and finding a guy to be in a relationship with is an even bigger story.

now that i'm getting up there, options are wearing thin and time isn't on my side. this brings me back to the ongoing debate i've been contemplating about for quite some time... should i or shouldn't i join online dating sites? 

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what other options do i have?

long gone are the days of often painting the town red. i'd rather chill with friends and family at their house, but that makes it difficult to meet any potentials. no offense friends, but i already know all your friends. it's very unlikely i'll be meeting a dating option at your place. 

the only other ways i can think of are:

1. join online dating sites
2. speed dating
3. be more open to dating any Joe-blow off the street?

HELP! please?! 

i want to know what you think! 

should i online date? join several sites? go on many speed dates? focus my energy on my dating life as much as i focus on working out and work? is that even possible? or should i shift most of my efforts towards dating? what should my priorities be???

i'm not gonna lie for the month of May

my take on guys...

i'm not gonna lie, one of the first things that crosses my mind when i see a cute or good looking guy is "is he gay?".

i rarely come across any eye candy. what the hell happened?! did they all consciously decide to move to a different city all at at the same time? i'm not gonna lie, i'm lucky if i see one cute guy in the month.

my take on working out...

i've been working out like a feen lately. i'm not gonna lie, even though i've been working out almost everyday, i swear my ass and thighs have only grown! WORKOUTS FAIL?!

my take on turning almost cougar status...

in less than 2 months i'll be turning 35! holy eff, where has the time gone?! i'm not gonna lie, when i look back to where i was 10 years ago, everything about my life is pretty much the same. WOW, I SUCK! but what better way to celebrate almost being a cougar by embracing my new age at the exact minute i turn "old" in VEGAS baby with my Asian Sensation ladies and fellow bloggers and friends: Leesh, Kat, Steph, Reni and Elisse. 

my take on life...

one of my oldest close friends just got engaged. i'm not gonna lie, while i'm incredibly ecstatic for A and R, i can't help but feel incredibly sad because of selfish reasons. he's the last of my old skool boyz to get hitched. now all of them are officially grown up! out of all of my boyz, never did i think in a million years i would be the last one left. they're all boys! i'm the only girl! shouldn't i be one of the first?! i can't even find someone to be happy with! one of them is even expecting. i'm not gonna lie, this very moment is probably one of the saddest moments of my life as i've come to the realization that i live a very sad sad sad life. i'm not gonna lie, i'm actually crying for myself at this very second. literally. i feel so pathetic and heart broken for some reason... my heart aches for what others have. you know that "creepy uncle" at fam jams?! when i think about it, i'm kinda like the "creepy aunt." ZING (on me)!

i'm not gonna lie, i live only half alive...

i'm the furthest one to this reality (via)

this is how i feel. i stand alone as everyone else moves forward. (via)

c'est life...

with turning 35 years old just around the corner and recently suffering a breakup, it's forced me to re-evaluate...

throughout my life, i can honestly say there's been three instances of when i wasn't ready for the relationship to end. no, my last relationship is not on this list. if i've learned anything from the first two, it takes me approximately 4 years to get over "him". WHAT THE F*CK?! if that's truly the case, this means by the time i get over #3, I WILL BE 38 YEARS OLD!! f*ck me!

wow, can i really afford to wait that long to move on?

my last relationship proved i can't be with someone else while having feelings for another. that was the 1st time i've overlapped my feelings and clearly my heart was not a fan and fought back. hence why i'm back to just me, myself and i.

i've contemplated this before... since i don't look my age, maybe i should move to a far city where no one knows me. lie about my age and start my life from scratch. it's kinda like giving myself another chance...

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NYE deets

i opted to be on my own for NYE. i didn't want to deal with the pressure of being around my close friends... (not sure if that makes any sense.) so i decided to go to this party here, where my good friend @sweetmarie's hubby was DJing. unfortunately, she could not join because she's expecting in a month. i'm not gonna lie, i tried to convince her to attend. my argument was she can sit in the dining area and i would go back and forth between the rooms dancing and having conversations with her in the resto area. but in the end, i lost. it just doesn't make sense for a very pregnant lady to be at a sold out NYE jam. DOH!

in not so many words, here's how 2011 started off with a bang!

• spent less than $20 to be trashed out of my mind, feel like a superstar, dance my heart out and end the night/morning with a content belly. NYE was the best less than $20 i have ever spent in my life!

• the oldest guy, the geekiest guy, a swingers couple, a young lesbian couple and then some, all tried to get their groove on with me. the most successful of them all was the young lesbian couple. i counted down the new year with them!

• i kinda whored myself out so i can eat some french fries. but damn it, i was hungry! and drunk! i didn't eat dinner that night. besides, muscle head was with a girl i knew who was also getting fed the french fries by hand... it was the only way he would let us eat them. he was definitely in heaven especially after feeding us once each lips to lips. 

• last minute my debut escort decided to go to the same party. it was great to see him, his gf and other friends there!

and that was my new year's eve. enough said.

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my 1st "i'm not gonna lie" of 2011!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 

i hope 2011 has been treating you good and it stays that way! new beginnings mean new opportunities and new opportunities are chances for great things. here's to great things happening for you and me this year!

this is my 1st blog post of 2011 and i thought a great way to start blogging this year is to kick off with an i'm not gonna lie blog post. 

 so here it is... 

i give you my 1st blog entry of the year... 

my 1st i'm not gonna lie of 2011...

my new year started off SO GOOD, but ended TERRIBLY. i hate feeling so high and feeling so low all in the same day. i'm not gonna lie, i don't think my heart can it take anymore :(

i'm not gonna lie, it looks like mildly-crushing-on guy has been promoted to crushing-on guy. but due to his age we are now calling him 26er. big ups to my boy Randi for giving mildly-crushing-on guy his new nick name.

they say "time heals all". i'm not gonna lie, i think some things just never heal.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty shocked my whole family is accepting of my cousin being gay. i'm not gonna lie, i didn't think they were so liberal.

i'm not gonna lie, 2 coworkers last month told me i say i'm not gonna lie very often.

i'm still not in the mood to see all my girls in one sitting. i'm not gonna lie, i'm still annoyed from the last time.

if you follow me on twitter, you may know i had a freakout attack just before Christmas. it was odd because the night leading to the freakout was such a fun night with my old skool boyz. expensive alcohol was ever-flowing free of charge and tasty snackies were at my finger tips. i was getting hit on left, right and centre from guys of all ages and also getting props for my personality. i was receiving compliments about everything and anything from strangers and my friends. it was such an ego boost at the time, i have no idea how my big head fit in the venue. any normal person would come home feeling high, but instead i was confused of why "the dude" has completely shut me out. once upon a time, it was so great (as such) and also so good (as this)... i'm not gonna lie, it upsets me so much that he has forgotten about it all. how can old skool and new skool people put me on a pedestal and the dude who i was actually in a relationship with have such a difference of opinion?

i'm not gonna lie, i think this blog post is pretty pathetic because it has a depressing tone to it. (way to start off the year on a positive note Maureen!) thumbs down to me! boooooo!

haters gonna hate

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i am not a good person. yesterday i officially concluded this and i have no interest in being a good person again. this is because there's a huge-ass, heavy chip on my shoulder and now i genuinely feel things are owed to me! who the eff publicly says (writes) such a thing? basically not a good person. and that's me!

i have my hate on and it's on STRONG! sure, i'm still always smiling and i'm polite, but if you only knew what i was really thinking... you'd definitely not like me. and you know what? i don't care! around 6 years ago, i made a conscious decision to be a better person, but it has gotten me no where! so why the f*ck should i even be a good person?

here is what's been running through my mind lately...

• it was my ex's birthday the other day and i was really hoping it was not "happy" for him at all!

• i found a ring the other night. i've established it is 14K white gold, but not sure what stones are in it. this ring is definitely worth a pretty penny and sparkles like diamonds... and i have no intention of returning it to the resto-lounge i found it at. how can i be so sure the place will actually return the ring to it's rightful owner? besides, no one has ever returned something valuable i have ever lost.

• we had a wonderful 3 birthday celebration dinner with 12 of my closest friends last night. and to be honest, it really wasn't great to see everyone. (sorry ladies, i know some of you read my blog...) sure i was happy to see everyone is doing well, but i really don't have anything to contribute to their conversations. i have nothing to add when talking about giving birth, taking care of children, trying to get pregnant, breast feeding, in-laws drama, husband/boyfriend woes, blah blah blah blah. you get the point. the reason why i was quiet during dinner is because i can't relate to these topics and i'd rather not hear about that stuff because it has nothing to do with me. do we really need to speak about the above topics 95% of the time we spend together? if this is the case then my presence is not needed.

• i f*ckin hate the fact that one of my closest friends hangs out with my ex because her hubby works with him. i found out they were with him the other night and this little effin-not-a-big-deal tidbit bothered me all night and is still bothering me right now! how do you get over an ex knowing good friends of yours will probably know the ongoing updates of his life? how can i avoid not wondering if they have met the new girl he's seeing or actually become friends with her? they're suppose to be MY FRIENDS FIRST!

see what i'm sayin? i am NOT a nice person! i've been going no where real fast and frankly, i'm very tired of it!

date with a really LARGE ONE!

it's mid-way through the week and do you know what that means? it means hell week is almost done and my huge-ass work promo is launching in a few days. OH MY! OH YES!

but, i still have to survive the rest of the week! LOL!

based on popular demand by my tweeps, last night (after yet another long work day) i went on a date. what i really wanted to do was watch the BOS vs MIA ball game with Mike, but my teeeple spoke and recommended i combine the two by suggesting to my date to watch the game.

he was so in, but i was right - ball isn't his sport. he's all about hockey... but he was still in. plus he received bonus points for suggesting the Real Sports Bar & Grill, a bar located beside the ACC i've been dying to try since it opened a few months ago. with that, he turned my dread of hanging out with him into excitement... not excitement to see him, but excitement to see the Real Sports Bar! Ha ha!

he's kind of recycled. i've been on a few dates with him YEARS ago AND I ALSO have been on some dates with his brother. of course not simultaneously - if that makes the situation any better. hehe. i tell ya, slim pickings back then and even slimmer pickings now hence why i'm recycling. ha!

i had a good time, but you know what? it doesn't matter who or what i'm with, i always have a good time. i can have good time with a wall and a door for god's sake... 

years ago i thought he was pretty attractive, but after last night, i've concluded...

• i'm not as attracted to him as i was 5 years ago (or was it 7?). it was like hanging out with one of my boys.
• i think his brother is hotter even though he's smarter.
• if i were to go on a date with his brother, i'd probably not be attracted to him as well.
• they both have the same type of voice. the type of voice that kind of annoys me. they're both lucky they're good looking.
• nothing panned out with this dude for a reason and i doubt anything will ever pan out.

it's all good though. i'm glad i went... i was able to watch the b-ball game and leafs game, drink beer, eat some good food, have good company and experience all that in an atmosphere that was fun, hype and pretty unbelievable. i say unbelievable because being in the Real Sports Bar made me feel like a child in a candy store. it's a playground for adults in there! i felt like i was in Vegas! YES VEGAS! perfect timing considering i'm taking off to Sin City in a week! 

Check, check, CHECK THIS OUT! it's a 79 footer television surrounded by tons of other TVs!

plus this place has tables with their own televisions! if you ever go here, try to get a table on the 2nd level. being eye level with this 79' TV is effing AMAZING! AMAZING i say! (had to say it twice because that's how amazing this place is!)

where's the payback?

i'm probably going to get allot of flack for this post, but TOO BAD! this is my blog and i can blog on whatever i want to.

if you have ever watched "Sex and the City", this is my Carrie Bradshaw moment...

i'm starting to think it's about time i receive a ROI (return on investment) for the many, many MANY years i've been spending money on everyone else. to be more specific, i've created a list of those items i feel i don't receive any return on:

• weddings
• and any related wedding things ie. engagement parties, jack n jills, bridal showers, stagettes, etc.
• baby showers
• my friends' kids birthdays
• and any other events celebrating the milestones of my friends' lives

i probably sound very bitter to you right now and if that's your thought then you don't really understand what i'm complaining about. when i think about it, i've probably spent approximately $10,000 (at least and this amount is only going to get larger) on the above list - celebrating all my friends' happiness. don't get me wrong, i'm very happy for all my friends. that's why i partake in these celebrations and probably have fun celebrating especially the stagettes. but the reason why i'm invited to the above is to celebrate SOMEONE else or an extension of someone else and that someone else is not me.

let's be honest, all signs are pointing to me not getting married anytime soon and a baby isn't going to soon be in my cards either... and you know what this means? this means all of the funds i have spent on everyone else is not returned because my friends won't be spending money on me for any of the above listed items.

with that being said, maybe i should have a party - celebrating ME and my relationship status... i can mail out invitations, have a registry and a money box too! or maybe just have a smaller scale party equivalent to a bridal or baby shower. i can still send out invites and have a registry for that. the party can be known as a "singleness shower". on the registry would be items specifically for being single like clothes, shoes, purses, accessories but i'd choose moderate price point items for my registry because bridal and baby showers have fairly moderate ticket items on those registries as well (hey, it's only fair!). i'll even mail out thank you cards after my event. basically, i'd follow the same protocol as celebrating getting married or having a baby.

what do you think of my idea? do you think it would fly with my friends? or would you be insulted?