sincere deceit

some days are easier than others, but not today. today, i'm filled with some overwhelming emotion that i can't quite pin point. it's a combination of love, hate, sadness, confusion and bitterness... how can that be healthy for anyone? it's definitely not healthy for me, but it's often a feeling as of late. i'm not fighting it today.

it's one of those days where all I want to do is workout, not eat, drink & smoke. fortunately for me, my body is strong & can handle the abuse.

i imagine the day where walking by him doesn't phase me, where simple things don't force me to think of him, where random email interaction means nothing to me...

i try to focus on my happy things to break free of this rut but i'm without success. it's too difficult when there are the slightest reminders of him that consume my mind & my heart.

and in reality, being with him is part of my happy list.

after so many depressing entries, you're probably thinking i'm pathetic and my problems are miniscule. but this is how i feel and there's no denying it. this is my battle i live right now. you have yours. i have mine. no one's life is any more important than the next.

let me deal with it in my time and in my way. and one day, i'll be okay.

bad versus evil

a while back i wrote this post which summarized my strong feelings for my last 2 exes. my hate for one and my love for another. fast forward to now... that's so not the case anymore.

i know a few months ago i expressed so much hate for 26er. but in the summer, i decided to eliminate hate from my life. frankly, hate takes too much energy and how could i possibly hate someone i used to feel very strongly for? so with that lesson, i decided to no longer resist and we became friends again.

... and i fell for him again. this time for real because "the dude" was no longer in my heart.

without giving you the details, 26er broke my heart last month and last Sunday, he broke me as a person. though the reason is unknown to me, he concluded i was a nasty person and said horrible things to me. never again does he want to speak to me. so now the tables are turned. karma never did like me.

if you only knew all that went down on Sunday, you would encourage me to hate him forever. but like i said, i eliminated hate out of my life. so no, i do not hate 26er even after all the cruel things he said to me. instead, i'm currently accepting his passionate disgust for me because i know somewhere in there, he is still a good person. he may not ever want anything to do with me again, but my heart can't deny how i truly feel for him. 

the only thing i can do without doing anything at all is accept his stance on me and accept my stance on him. and so i do.

<via>

hate love - ramblings from the heart

(via)

this past Saturday was a pretty big day for me personally. i deleted the last of my exes' phone numbers off my mobile. the one i hate (26er) and the one i still love (the dude).

i'm not lying. i HATE 26er. how can i be such a bad judge of character?! after Saturday, i have realized he is truly delusional and not a good person. sorry, but i won't be revealing any details of what recently went down because it gets me furious and upset. just know i regret every minute i have spent with him and every minute i am forced to. i don't think i've ever hated an ex before. dislike yes. HATE no.

now why the eff do i still love the dude??! not cool, heart! not cool at all!

i'm so hating my job that i love! how is upper management working on an 18 month calendar?? hmmmm... oh wait a second, that's right, there's only 12 months in a year! idiots! they're currently running our promotions as though it's a pig pen. WHAT THE F*CK GUYS, get your effing act together quick! time is of the essence and we simply don't have time!

the other night, some random stranger on fbook messaged me to tell me i'm cute. his relationship status on fbook is "married". are you effing kidding me??! i hate guys like that! BOOOOOOOOOO!

i love Vancouver and my many friends who reside in the beautiful city. in support of my second home, i'm a Canucks fan but seriously Canucks, what the eff was up with game #3??! i hate how you let the Bruins molest you!

i love my friends, but hate how every day is a day closer to what brings us further apart. i'm slowly realizing we no longer have much in common and we won't be gaining common ground any time soon...

c'est life...

with turning 35 years old just around the corner and recently suffering a breakup, it's forced me to re-evaluate...

throughout my life, i can honestly say there's been three instances of when i wasn't ready for the relationship to end. no, my last relationship is not on this list. if i've learned anything from the first two, it takes me approximately 4 years to get over "him". WHAT THE F*CK?! if that's truly the case, this means by the time i get over #3, I WILL BE 38 YEARS OLD!! f*ck me!

wow, can i really afford to wait that long to move on?

my last relationship proved i can't be with someone else while having feelings for another. that was the 1st time i've overlapped my feelings and clearly my heart was not a fan and fought back. hence why i'm back to just me, myself and i.

i've contemplated this before... since i don't look my age, maybe i should move to a far city where no one knows me. lie about my age and start my life from scratch. it's kinda like giving myself another chance...

(via)

the ex-factor

it's no lie, i have feelings for my ex. chances are, you know this if you've read my blog recently. and yes, it's no lie, i'm currently in a relationship with someone else (26er) while having feelings for my ex. but you probably know this too.

let me give you some background about the ex also known as “the dude”. the last time i had contact with him was this past November and at the end of it, he had no interest in being friends... no interest in even being acquaintances... i was confused, upset and hurt but most of all furious because he could dismiss me with no recall of why we got together in the first place. despite all i was feeling that very moment, there was no denying my heart still felt for him even though my mind decided it was time to move on. 

if we wanted to or not, we both knew sooner or later we would run into each other since we have mutual friends.

fast forward to the weekend that just passed, it was now that time...

initially i contemplated not going to 3 of my friends’ birthdays because there was a chance the dude might be there. living my life in fear of seeing “him”?! that’s no way of living life and a no-show was unacceptable to the birthday celebrants especially since one of them lives in NorCal and was only in town for a short while. plus he told me about his birthday celebration over a month ago. 

so we devised a plan – ignore the dude and pretend i didn’t know him. done and DONE! he wouldn’t be the first i did this to... besides 26er is rolling with me tonight.

so... ummm... yeaaaaa... the plan didn’t go according to plan. come on now Maur! execution never goes as planned! 

yup, the dude showed up and instead of ignoring me too, he tried to get my attention and talk to me all night. at one point he was showing me something on his BB and 26er saw at a distance and assumed i was giving my number because everyone knows when i’m drunk i give my number away like candy. but duh, i don’t do that when i’m spoken for. haha, silly 26er. 

oh and by the way... i didn’t inform 26er that an ex would be there that night. i don’t know. was i suppose to? would you?

but it’s all good... i made sure everyone there was aware i had a man without any annoying PDA and i was not giving the dude the time of day, but he didn’t care AND his friend (that he arrived with) didn’t care either because he was hitting on me all night.

i’m not done. 

when the dude thought i left, apparently he text me a couple of times because he didn’t get the chance to say bye and proceeded to tell me that when he saw me a few minutes later.

i didn’t say bye to the dude or his friend when i left, but i did check the dude’s texts after. in summary, he text me; it was "good seeing me"... AND... 

***WARNING*** THIS IS WILL BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION*** SO DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW TOO MUCH INFO! 

he also text me; “for the record, the sex was amazing. probably the best. we have good chemistry, honestly awesome!”

and with that, all the progress i made in getting over him was set back tenfold. i’m not gonna lie, i miss him like crazy and think of him often when i’m with 26er. and even more so after this weekend.

side note: his friend also sent me a direct message on twitter during the night, which didn’t make sense since i couldn’t hear him all night. however, i know it was sexual in context because this wouldn’t be the first time he’s DMed me.

side note #2: i know i’m not overreacting about the dude’s interactions because our mutual friend (who was not there cuz she’s pregger but her hubby was present) text me the next day to let me know her hubby informed her the dude was acting dumb about me all night.

side note #3: by the way, 26er did end up surprising me with flowers and dinner for Valentine's day.

1st thoughts of 2011

GOOD MORNING BLOG WORLD! 

i've been up since 5am on this Monday, January 3rd, 2011 morning and i have today off. it is so like me to be awake at the crack of dawn on a day when i don't have to go to work. damn me!

if you read my previous post, you know i'm completing Reni's new year blog challenge. here's question #1...

what was the first thing that came to mind after waking up on new year's day?

two things came to mind... something new (mildly-crushing-on guy who is now known as 26er) and something old (the dude).

for the low down on both guys... you will find mentions of 26er here and here. and you will find details of the dude here, here, and sad/bad mentions of him here, here, and here.

sometime last week i mentioned on twitter that i may be "using" 26er. i recently realized exactly what i'm using him for... he's the something new and the only thing right now that is capable of making me forget about the something old...

(via)

my 1st "i'm not gonna lie" of 2011!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 

i hope 2011 has been treating you good and it stays that way! new beginnings mean new opportunities and new opportunities are chances for great things. here's to great things happening for you and me this year!

this is my 1st blog post of 2011 and i thought a great way to start blogging this year is to kick off with an i'm not gonna lie blog post. 

 so here it is... 

i give you my 1st blog entry of the year... 

my 1st i'm not gonna lie of 2011...

my new year started off SO GOOD, but ended TERRIBLY. i hate feeling so high and feeling so low all in the same day. i'm not gonna lie, i don't think my heart can it take anymore :(

i'm not gonna lie, it looks like mildly-crushing-on guy has been promoted to crushing-on guy. but due to his age we are now calling him 26er. big ups to my boy Randi for giving mildly-crushing-on guy his new nick name.

they say "time heals all". i'm not gonna lie, i think some things just never heal.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty shocked my whole family is accepting of my cousin being gay. i'm not gonna lie, i didn't think they were so liberal.

i'm not gonna lie, 2 coworkers last month told me i say i'm not gonna lie very often.

i'm still not in the mood to see all my girls in one sitting. i'm not gonna lie, i'm still annoyed from the last time.

if you follow me on twitter, you may know i had a freakout attack just before Christmas. it was odd because the night leading to the freakout was such a fun night with my old skool boyz. expensive alcohol was ever-flowing free of charge and tasty snackies were at my finger tips. i was getting hit on left, right and centre from guys of all ages and also getting props for my personality. i was receiving compliments about everything and anything from strangers and my friends. it was such an ego boost at the time, i have no idea how my big head fit in the venue. any normal person would come home feeling high, but instead i was confused of why "the dude" has completely shut me out. once upon a time, it was so great (as such) and also so good (as this)... i'm not gonna lie, it upsets me so much that he has forgotten about it all. how can old skool and new skool people put me on a pedestal and the dude who i was actually in a relationship with have such a difference of opinion?

i'm not gonna lie, i think this blog post is pretty pathetic because it has a depressing tone to it. (way to start off the year on a positive note Maureen!) thumbs down to me! boooooo!

i wish it wasn't so...

do you ever find a song that knows exactly what you're going through at that moment?

I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got 

fell on black days

some days are better than others. you would think that i have never gone through a break up before or maybe it just hurts more because i'm in my mid-30s and my life hasn't changed much from 10 years ago... or maybe it's simply because i really liked him.

and it sucks that i still feel for him... and that i still think of him daily... curious to know what he's up to... wishing he still thinks of me... hoping he'll try to contact me.

yea, i know. i'm pretty pathetic.

and i HATE that this is how i feel. and i hate that i can get so sad at times cuz it really does hurt my heart.

there's many moments i replay repeatedly in my head, wishing i could take back some things i know has effected the "us" him and i are today.