expectations

originally this post was suppose to be a weekend recap. it was a spontaneous busy long weekend and a very good one. however, by the time i arrived home from work this evening, my weekend high had faded and i was back to feeling broken.

i don't like me. i haven't liked me for over a year now and quite frankly, i'm so sick of me!

i'm afraid to admit it, but i think i may have too much riding on this upcoming Asian Sensation 2011 Las Vegas trip. you know what i'm saying? or maybe you don't...

i'm hoping this trip will cure me...

i want this Las Vegas trip to be the best birthday i've ever had.
i want it to be the most memorable of all my LV trips.
i want the fun of it to be so joyous that my cheeks hurt.
i want Sin City to be filled with too much eye candy that my eyes will come out of it's sockets.
i want there to be wicked stories to tell forever.
i want to come back from this trip extremely happy where the feeling of happiness is so strong it never really leaves my soul.

i simply want to feel truthfully happy.

but because i'm expecting so much from this trip, realistically it's not gonna go down that way.
so i'll take what i can...

wow, way to be a debbie downer a few days prior to meeting up with a bunch of lovely, beautiful ladies in a city i love. oh boy, i really do need an escape!

(via)

my 1st "i'm not gonna lie" of 2011!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 

i hope 2011 has been treating you good and it stays that way! new beginnings mean new opportunities and new opportunities are chances for great things. here's to great things happening for you and me this year!

this is my 1st blog post of 2011 and i thought a great way to start blogging this year is to kick off with an i'm not gonna lie blog post. 

 so here it is... 

i give you my 1st blog entry of the year... 

my 1st i'm not gonna lie of 2011...

my new year started off SO GOOD, but ended TERRIBLY. i hate feeling so high and feeling so low all in the same day. i'm not gonna lie, i don't think my heart can it take anymore :(

i'm not gonna lie, it looks like mildly-crushing-on guy has been promoted to crushing-on guy. but due to his age we are now calling him 26er. big ups to my boy Randi for giving mildly-crushing-on guy his new nick name.

they say "time heals all". i'm not gonna lie, i think some things just never heal.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty shocked my whole family is accepting of my cousin being gay. i'm not gonna lie, i didn't think they were so liberal.

i'm not gonna lie, 2 coworkers last month told me i say i'm not gonna lie very often.

i'm still not in the mood to see all my girls in one sitting. i'm not gonna lie, i'm still annoyed from the last time.

if you follow me on twitter, you may know i had a freakout attack just before Christmas. it was odd because the night leading to the freakout was such a fun night with my old skool boyz. expensive alcohol was ever-flowing free of charge and tasty snackies were at my finger tips. i was getting hit on left, right and centre from guys of all ages and also getting props for my personality. i was receiving compliments about everything and anything from strangers and my friends. it was such an ego boost at the time, i have no idea how my big head fit in the venue. any normal person would come home feeling high, but instead i was confused of why "the dude" has completely shut me out. once upon a time, it was so great (as such) and also so good (as this)... i'm not gonna lie, it upsets me so much that he has forgotten about it all. how can old skool and new skool people put me on a pedestal and the dude who i was actually in a relationship with have such a difference of opinion?

i'm not gonna lie, i think this blog post is pretty pathetic because it has a depressing tone to it. (way to start off the year on a positive note Maureen!) thumbs down to me! boooooo!

i'm not gonna lie...

i'm not gonna lie, there's a phrase i say repeatedly and even more so when drunk. if you know me personally i say it much too often. on the advice of my real life friend and blog friend Leesh, i've decided to create my own blog series called (yup, that's right!) "i'm not gonna lie..."

so with that, i bring you the 1st edition of (tada!)

 i'm not gonna lie...

i'm not gonna lie, i still haven't folded my clean laundry from last week! now tell me who you think is the laziest of them all?!
 

i'm absolutely in love with my iPhone 4. i'm not gonna lie, i tell people it's the love of my life. it actually sleeps on the pillow next to me.

i'm not gonna lie, my snuggie confuses me. each time i try to wear it, i have to pause and think about how to put it on. i guess it doesn't help that you can fit another 2 of me in it. if you ever find kid size snuggies, please let me know!

there's a huge possibility my coworkers and friends think i'm an alcoholic. apparently, i only tweet and fbook about alcohol (and food)... i'm not gonna lie, today is my 1st day sans alcohol after 6 consecutive days of drinking beer. the main reason i'm beer-free today is because i'm scared to gain a beer belly. i wish drinking beer would cause a different body party to grow... how awesome would it be if we gained "beer titties" from beer binging?!?!

i'm not gonna lie, i was a little annoyed with my blind date this past Sunday. who agree's to meet someone for the 1st time with their "Movember" mustache? plus i like my conversations two-way. i'm not gonna lie, first impressions make an impression on me.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm also annoyed with my almost blind date i was suppose to have tomorrow. he takes too long to return text messages and it's taking too long for us to make actual plans. that's it, i'm cutting him off! i'm much too busy to deal with this nonsense. apparently, he used to be hot in high school, but i don't remember thinking he was hot anyway when i met him in the summer. haha.

i'm not gonna lie, i procrastinate when responding to the almost blind date's text messages.

i'm not gonna lie, i don't really want to date right now.

i'm not gonna lie, i'm gonna be a scrooge again this year. but if someone has a Festivus celebration, i'm all for it!

hump day ramblings

• nope, i'm not folding my laundry tonight. i'm not in the mood. unless "lazy" is considered a mood therefore i'm not doing it!

• btw, i rarely fold my clothes right after i finish doing laundry...

• i'm not a fan of people not leaving me voice messages. if you're someone that rarely calls me and i can't/don't pick up, please leave me a message. if not, the likeliness of me returning your calls are slim. especially if i don't have your number programmed in my phone and have no idea who is calling!

• the last person who called and didn't leave me a vm was probably some guy i gave my number to when i was drunk.

• i looked through my iphone contact list recently and found a couple of guys i don't know in there... probably guys that gave me their number when i was drunk. haha.

• i bailed on my plans tonight cuz i didn't care to hang out with that boy/past love, but then ended up with no plans at all.

• there's a colleague of mine that creeps me out and annoys me. i swear he sometimes just sits there and stares at me. his cubicle is beside mine.

• there's another colleague that sometimes says the dorkiest/stalkerish things in our conversations. normally that would creep me out, but he always looks so dorky saying it so all i can do is just laugh... out loud.

• for weeks i've been craving a McDees cheeseburger and fries. i have yet to satisfy this craving. this craving haunts me during sleepless nights and may actually be one of the reasons why i can't fall asleep.

• i think i might have 2 dates next week. 1 blind. the other one almost blind - met him back in July and can't really remember what he looks like.

• i really want that McDees cheeseburger and fries.

tidbits & randoms

oh boy, looks like i'm sick. don't think it's full blown yet. just a burning sore throat and little cough. no fever. but i don't want it to get worse than this. so it looks like i'll be cooped up at home all weekend and this is something i don't know how to do... no UFC watching at Pam's, no Hot Stepper 15th anniversary party featuring Caron Wheeler from Soul II Soul, no visiting cutie little baby boy Kai, Jenn and Jay. NO WEEKEND NOTHING. it's just me, myself and i.

i'm already going stir crazy. thinking, hmmmmmm... maybe it is possible to go out tonight? but i know i shouldn't. i think i wouldn't feel this way if i actually lived with someone. living by yourself can get really lonely.

in boredom comes too much thinking and many randoms and with that comes this blog post. here's some of my tid bits and randoms...

"People say that bad memories cause the most pain, but it's the good ones that actually drive you insane."

- this saying is exactly why it's taking me forever to get over the last ex. even the tiniest things remind me of him. how do i get over him if even the smallest of things make me think of our good times together?

"you will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder everytime."

- are you effing kidding me? the next time is going to hurt more than this? f*ck me!

- (fyi, stole this saying from one of Reni's blog post. which can be found here.)

currently repeated on youtube (i'd listen to these songs on itunes or my iphone, but i don't have them):

"only girl (in the world)" by Rihanna

"runaway" by Kanye West featuring Pusha T

"teenage dream" by Katy Perry

"rocketeer" by Far East Movement featuring Ryan Tedder
 

"what's my name" by Rihanna featuring Drake
 

"sooner or later" by N.E.R.D.

so i made plans for Wednesday to hang with a past love of my life... do you think this is crazy??? him and i were never really together for 3 years and i believe it took me 4 years to get over him. but i swear i wouldn't make plans with him if i wasn't over him. and I SWEAR I AM! i don't think of him and when he contacts me, i don't care and i forget to call or text him back. to be honest, i'm thinking of bailing on him.

"i'll let karma take care of you for me."

LOL! i so can't wait for this day. oh and i know it will come...

i was right! i don't know how to stay home. spoke to Pam recently... looks like i'm going to her place tonight to get some vitamins and watch UFC then head over to the Hot Stepper party with her hubby and friends. besides, i don't think i'm really that sick... i think... 

i have all of tomorrow to recuperate if need to anyway. HA!

i wish it wasn't so...

do you ever find a song that knows exactly what you're going through at that moment?

I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got 

where's the payback?

i'm probably going to get allot of flack for this post, but TOO BAD! this is my blog and i can blog on whatever i want to.

if you have ever watched "Sex and the City", this is my Carrie Bradshaw moment...

i'm starting to think it's about time i receive a ROI (return on investment) for the many, many MANY years i've been spending money on everyone else. to be more specific, i've created a list of those items i feel i don't receive any return on:

• weddings
• and any related wedding things ie. engagement parties, jack n jills, bridal showers, stagettes, etc.
• baby showers
• my friends' kids birthdays
• and any other events celebrating the milestones of my friends' lives

i probably sound very bitter to you right now and if that's your thought then you don't really understand what i'm complaining about. when i think about it, i've probably spent approximately $10,000 (at least and this amount is only going to get larger) on the above list - celebrating all my friends' happiness. don't get me wrong, i'm very happy for all my friends. that's why i partake in these celebrations and probably have fun celebrating especially the stagettes. but the reason why i'm invited to the above is to celebrate SOMEONE else or an extension of someone else and that someone else is not me.

let's be honest, all signs are pointing to me not getting married anytime soon and a baby isn't going to soon be in my cards either... and you know what this means? this means all of the funds i have spent on everyone else is not returned because my friends won't be spending money on me for any of the above listed items.

with that being said, maybe i should have a party - celebrating ME and my relationship status... i can mail out invitations, have a registry and a money box too! or maybe just have a smaller scale party equivalent to a bridal or baby shower. i can still send out invites and have a registry for that. the party can be known as a "singleness shower". on the registry would be items specifically for being single like clothes, shoes, purses, accessories but i'd choose moderate price point items for my registry because bridal and baby showers have fairly moderate ticket items on those registries as well (hey, it's only fair!). i'll even mail out thank you cards after my event. basically, i'd follow the same protocol as celebrating getting married or having a baby.

what do you think of my idea? do you think it would fly with my friends? or would you be insulted?

day 1. my 30 days.

tada! welcome to day 1 of my 30 days blogging challenge...

recent photo of myself + the meaning of my blog

back in the day i used to blog on live journal, but i don't count that as a real blog. back then, all my entries were cryptic and that defeats the true purpose of a blog.

"a little rough around the edges" is a total opposite direction of that live journal. here, i'm stripped bare and try to reveal all. if you personally know me, you know i'm an individual who does not like to express my feelings in fear of embarrassment and judgement... chances are you will never here me "speak" these feelings i type here. so if you genuinely are interested in learning about me and understand what i hide from the world, most likely you'll be able to read it here...

(on a side note: happy birthday mom! i love you much!)