with turning 35 years old just around the corner and recently suffering a breakup, it's forced me to re-evaluate...
throughout my life, i can honestly say there's been three instances of when i wasn't ready for the relationship to end. no, my last relationship is not on this list. if i've learned anything from the first two, it takes me approximately 4 years to get over "him". WHAT THE F*CK?! if that's truly the case, this means by the time i get over #3, I WILL BE 38 YEARS OLD!!f*ck me!
wow, can i really afford to wait that long to move on?
my last relationship proved i can't be with someone else while having feelings for another. that was the 1st time i've overlapped my feelings and clearly my heart was not a fan and fought back. hence why i'm back to just me, myself and i.
i've contemplated this before... since i don't look my age, maybe i should move to a far city where no one knows me. lie about my age and start my life from scratch.it's kinda like giving myself another chance...
it's no lie, i have feelings for my ex. chances are, you know this if you've read my blog recently. and yes, it's no lie, i'm currently in a relationship with someone else (26er) while having feelings for my ex. but you probably know this too.
let me give you some background about the ex also known as “the dude”. the last time i had contact with him was this past November and at the end of it, he had no interest in being friends... no interest in even being acquaintances... i was confused, upset and hurt but most of all furious because he could dismiss me with no recall of why we got together in the first place. despite all i was feeling that very moment, there was no denying my heart still felt for him even though my mind decided it was time to move on.
if we wanted to or not, we both knew sooner or later we would run into each other since we have mutual friends.
fast forward to the weekend that just passed, it was now that time...
initially i contemplated not going to 3 of my friends’ birthdays because there was a chance the dude might be there. living my life in fear of seeing “him”?!that’s no way of living life and a no-show was unacceptable to the birthday celebrants especially since one of them lives in NorCal and was only in town for a short while. plus he told me about his birthday celebration over a month ago.
so we devised a plan – ignore the dude and pretend i didn’t know him. done and DONE! he wouldn’t be the first i did this to... besides 26er is rolling with me tonight.
so... ummm... yeaaaaa... the plan didn’t go according to plan.come on now Maur!execution never goes as planned!
yup, the dude showed up and instead of ignoring me too, he tried to get my attention and talk to me all night. at one point he was showing me something on his BB and 26er saw at a distance and assumed i was giving my number because everyone knows when i’m drunk i give my number away like candy. but duh, i don’t do that when i’m spoken for. haha, silly 26er.
oh and by the way... i didn’t inform 26er that an ex would be there that night. i don’t know. was i suppose to? would you?
but it’s all good... i made sure everyone there was aware i had a man without any annoying PDA and i was not giving the dude the time of day, but he didn’t care AND his friend (that he arrived with) didn’t care either because he was hitting on me all night.
i’m not done.
when the dude thought i left, apparently he text me a couple of times because he didn’t get the chance to say bye and proceeded to tell me that when he saw me a few minutes later.
i didn’t say bye to the dude or his friend when i left, but i did check the dude’s texts after. in summary, he text me; it was "good seeing me"... AND...
***WARNING*** THIS IS WILL BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION*** SO DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW TOO MUCH INFO!
he also text me; “for the record, the sex was amazing. probably the best. we have good chemistry, honestly awesome!”
and with that, all the progress i made in getting over him was set back tenfold. i’m not gonna lie, i miss him like crazy and think of him often when i’m with 26er. and even more so after this weekend.
side note: his friend also sent me a direct message on twitter during the night, which didn’t make sense since i couldn’t hear him all night. however, i know it was sexual in context because this wouldn’t be the first time he’s DMed me.
side note #2: i know i’m not overreacting about the dude’s interactions because our mutual friend (who was not there cuz she’s pregger but her hubby was present) text me the next day to let me know her hubby informed her the dude was acting dumb about me all night.
side note #3: by the way, 26er did end up surprising me with flowers and dinner for Valentine's day.
some days are better than others. you would think that i have never gone through a break up before or maybe it just hurts more because i'm in my mid-30s and my life hasn't changed much from 10 years ago... or maybe it's simply because i really liked him.
and it sucks that i still feel for him... and that i still think of him daily... curious to know what he's up to... wishing he still thinks of me... hoping he'll try to contact me.
yea, i know. i'm pretty pathetic.
and i HATE that this is how i feel. and i hate that i can get so sad at times cuz it really does hurt my heart.
there's many moments i replay repeatedly in my head, wishing i could take back some things i know has effected the "us" him and i are today.
Mr.Guy won't quit. Yesterday after numerous texts and phone calls, I caved and responded via text then after a few more texts, I finally called him.
To make a long story short, I verbally ended it over the phone and told him "no we can not even be friends." After we hung up, there was no mistaking that the Mr.Guy era has indeed ended.
So I thought...
Later on that night. He sent another text. Then another early this morning. Another in the afternoon... then a couple of phone calls and then an email.
I responded to his email and asked him (again) to respect my decision.
Let's just say I don't think he was paying attention to our conversation yesterday and from his continuous actions tonight, he didn't read my email properly.
