bad versus evil

a while back i wrote this post which summarized my strong feelings for my last 2 exes. my hate for one and my love for another. fast forward to now... that's so not the case anymore.

i know a few months ago i expressed so much hate for 26er. but in the summer, i decided to eliminate hate from my life. frankly, hate takes too much energy and how could i possibly hate someone i used to feel very strongly for? so with that lesson, i decided to no longer resist and we became friends again.

... and i fell for him again. this time for real because "the dude" was no longer in my heart.

without giving you the details, 26er broke my heart last month and last Sunday, he broke me as a person. though the reason is unknown to me, he concluded i was a nasty person and said horrible things to me. never again does he want to speak to me. so now the tables are turned. karma never did like me.

if you only knew all that went down on Sunday, you would encourage me to hate him forever. but like i said, i eliminated hate out of my life. so no, i do not hate 26er even after all the cruel things he said to me. instead, i'm currently accepting his passionate disgust for me because i know somewhere in there, he is still a good person. he may not ever want anything to do with me again, but my heart can't deny how i truly feel for him. 

the only thing i can do without doing anything at all is accept his stance on me and accept my stance on him. and so i do.

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hate love - ramblings from the heart

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this past Saturday was a pretty big day for me personally. i deleted the last of my exes' phone numbers off my mobile. the one i hate (26er) and the one i still love (the dude).

i'm not lying. i HATE 26er. how can i be such a bad judge of character?! after Saturday, i have realized he is truly delusional and not a good person. sorry, but i won't be revealing any details of what recently went down because it gets me furious and upset. just know i regret every minute i have spent with him and every minute i am forced to. i don't think i've ever hated an ex before. dislike yes. HATE no.

now why the eff do i still love the dude??! not cool, heart! not cool at all!

i'm so hating my job that i love! how is upper management working on an 18 month calendar?? hmmmm... oh wait a second, that's right, there's only 12 months in a year! idiots! they're currently running our promotions as though it's a pig pen. WHAT THE F*CK GUYS, get your effing act together quick! time is of the essence and we simply don't have time!

the other night, some random stranger on fbook messaged me to tell me i'm cute. his relationship status on fbook is "married". are you effing kidding me??! i hate guys like that! BOOOOOOOOOO!

i love Vancouver and my many friends who reside in the beautiful city. in support of my second home, i'm a Canucks fan but seriously Canucks, what the eff was up with game #3??! i hate how you let the Bruins molest you!

i love my friends, but hate how every day is a day closer to what brings us further apart. i'm slowly realizing we no longer have much in common and we won't be gaining common ground any time soon...

c'est life...

with turning 35 years old just around the corner and recently suffering a breakup, it's forced me to re-evaluate...

throughout my life, i can honestly say there's been three instances of when i wasn't ready for the relationship to end. no, my last relationship is not on this list. if i've learned anything from the first two, it takes me approximately 4 years to get over "him". WHAT THE F*CK?! if that's truly the case, this means by the time i get over #3, I WILL BE 38 YEARS OLD!! f*ck me!

wow, can i really afford to wait that long to move on?

my last relationship proved i can't be with someone else while having feelings for another. that was the 1st time i've overlapped my feelings and clearly my heart was not a fan and fought back. hence why i'm back to just me, myself and i.

i've contemplated this before... since i don't look my age, maybe i should move to a far city where no one knows me. lie about my age and start my life from scratch. it's kinda like giving myself another chance...

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photo challenge. day 4. + April's "i'm not gonna lie"

day 4

four photos from my past

VanCity 2002

halloween 2003(?) - amnesia party

goodbye 2005! welcome 2006!

2008: Yup, Raptors' Andrea Bargani is tall!

* * * * *

and here's (the expression i say the most) blog series: 

"i'm not gonna lie..."

i'm not gonna lie, one of the reasons why i enjoy carrying babies is because it's giving me an upper body workout. and i enjoy playing with kids cuz it's a semi-cardio workout. haha.

i'm not gonna lie, my arms are pretty sore from holding all those babies at Jaida's birthday party yesterday. YES! mission accomplished!

i hate being smothered! damnit it, i'm not peanut butter! if you've guessed 26er, yuppers, that is who i'm talking about. i'm not gonna lie, it's really annoying me and he told me when we first started dating that he's not affectionate!

i'm not gonna lie, i miss how the ex knew the exact distance and closeness he should have with me...

i just watched Source Code last night and really really liked it! i'm not gonna lie, i want to watch it in the theatre again. not because Jake G is my number 1. it's cuz that's how much i enjoyed the movie!

i now understand why i often wake up in the middle of the night... it's because of my dreams. subconsciously, i'm in disbelief and wake myself up. i'm not gonna lie, i wish i didn't do that because most of the time, i wish my dreams were my reality.

hope all is well and you're enjoying your Sunday! it's raining in Tdot. i'm gonna make it a lazy one!  

and literally it is. i can feel my ass physically growing today.

1st thoughts of 2011

GOOD MORNING BLOG WORLD! 

i've been up since 5am on this Monday, January 3rd, 2011 morning and i have today off. it is so like me to be awake at the crack of dawn on a day when i don't have to go to work. damn me!

if you read my previous post, you know i'm completing Reni's new year blog challenge. here's question #1...

what was the first thing that came to mind after waking up on new year's day?

two things came to mind... something new (mildly-crushing-on guy who is now known as 26er) and something old (the dude).

for the low down on both guys... you will find mentions of 26er here and here. and you will find details of the dude here, here, and sad/bad mentions of him here, here, and here.

sometime last week i mentioned on twitter that i may be "using" 26er. i recently realized exactly what i'm using him for... he's the something new and the only thing right now that is capable of making me forget about the something old...

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heartbreaking dreams

In the past month, I've had a couple of unexpected guys on my mind. (NO NEITHER ONE OF THEM IS MrGuy.) And for the past week, I've been having my heartbroken by them in my dreams. The dreams seem so real. Sometimes, I even wake up crying.

I hope crisper16 can't hear my whimpering from across the hall. I talk and make noises often in my sleep.

The one guy that SHOULD BE on my mind (NO NOT MrGuy) hasn't made an appearance in my dreams lately and isn't on my mind as much as he should be.

Non-love can be so complicated.

on my radar

So I'm officially on the market... yet... again... *sigh*

Prior to Mr.Guy and I getting together, I was single for almost 6 years. You would think I'd be a pro at dating and meeting guys. But in those 6 years of singlehood, I learned NOTHING! I rarely dated. I'm good at being social, but not good at taking risks when it comes to guys I'm attracted to and interested in.

Obviously, I got nowhere. Ha!

But this time around, I want it to be different. Make it worth my while. So when I look back upon my single life, I can say I have no regrets, I had fun and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I'm unsure how to go about it. With Mr.Guy I put so much into our relationship - more than my effort added together from all my past relationships and look where it got me? Wasted effort on someone probably not worth my while.

Do you have any good advice? Any ideas on how to meet guys? How do I get myself out there? Better yet, do you have any single guy friends you can set me up with? LOL!

Seriously though. I'm not kidding. I'm open to anything. And even more open to things you think I wouldn't do!